Hope Recovery Center

We have no control over the people, places, things and circumstances we encounter on this earth. We can only control the manner in which we respond to them. Such is the basis for the Serenity Prayer - "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." My grandfather had an old cross-stitched sampler which hung in his kitchen. It bore a similar sentiment. "For every evil under the sun, there be a remedy or there be none. If there be one, find it. If there be none, never mind it."
I spent a great deal of my life trying to control my life. I couldn't see that the more I controlled, the more chaos was created. It took me forty years to learn to let God bear my burdens for me. I realize now, in looking back, that He had tried to carry them for me, for a long time - but I refused to surrender them to Him. He used one season in my life to begin to teach me this lesson in preparation for a devastating time to come.
My oldest son was born six weeks premature. My pregnancy was considered high-risk because I was 38 years old, but I had a very normal pregnancy until my water broke at 29 weeks. It was December 26th, 2004. Ole Miss was playing in a bowl game, and we had gone over to some friends' house to watch the game. I remember commenting that I was having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions, but didn't think much of it. Later that night I woke and discovered that my water had broken. The hospital was 45 minutes away, so I called in to the doctor on call. Because of the timing, he thought I was having bladder spasms and told me to go back to bed. I'd never had a baby before, so I took his word for it. The "bladder spasms" continued through the weekend, so I called my regular doctor first thing Monday morning. His nurse wasted no time in telling me to come in. She explained that the doctor on call was probably right, but that she felt sure my doctor would want to see me just in case. I drove myself because I felt sure I would be right back home. Boy, was I wrong. The doctor examined me and sent me straight to the hospital. I knew this was not good news. I called my husband, and called my mother, but I don't think I even thought to pray. I had asked Joey to bring me whatever I would need to stay in the hospital. He must have been pretty freaked out and just went into my closet and grabbed whatever was in the front, because he brought my fur coat, one of my business suits, and what very clearly was one of his mother's bras that had somehow gotten mixed up in my laundry. Now, one thing is for sure. Anyone who has ever seen me, and has ever seen Joey's mom would have no trouble distinguishing between the two braziers. He did not, however, bring a night gown, robe, toothbrush, brush, etc. The next few hours were a whirlwind of doctors preparing us for what the circumstances might be if I delivered the baby that day. Suffice it to say, that although they were trying to put the most positive face on the situation, it was clear that this was certainly not the delivery any of us hoped for. I still do not remember praying at this point, but I know that there are many who were. On New Year's Eve it was determined that delivery was not eminent so I was moved out of intensive care, and into a regular room - where I stayed off and on for the next four weeks. Joey left in early January to serve in the Mississippi House of Representatives. Our marriage was strained at best at this point, and more often than not, I didn't even see him on the weekends. Somewhere in the course of these four weeks, I did begin to pray. I think it actually was a result of others contacting me to say they were praying for me. I thought if they were praying, I probably should too. I remember my doctor commenting once that he knew there were lots of people praying for me because he could find no medical explanation for why I had not gone into labor. I remember thinking that this was the first time in my life that I realized prayer was working. JT was born on January 29, 2003. He weighed 4 lbs and 15 ounces, which was preety big in the NICU. They did place him on oxygen, but assured us that this was just a precaution. This was a Tuesday. On Wednesday morning, I encouraged Joey to go ahead and go back to Jackson. I knew he was anxious to pass around pictures of his newborn son, and the doctors had already told us we wouldn't go home until the weekend anyway. Joey left Wednesday morning. That evening, the doctor came in to tell me that JT had crashed and had been placed on a respirator. He assured me that the hospital had everything they needed and that the baby would be fine. Over the next few weeks, JT's lungs continued to deteriorate. They were just not fully developed and were not able to work overtime to keep him breathing. Although I was discharged, I was able to stay at the hospital in a room provided for parents with babies in the NICU. It was during this time, that I became very in touch with my own prayer life. As I would stand by his crib in the NICU, I felt completely powerless. This was certainly one situation over which I had absolutely no control. I had confidence in the doctors and nurses that were treating JT, but I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do for him. This was something I couldn't fix. I would stand by his crib and sing lullabies to him and pray. JT's condition continued to worsen. Ultimately, they tried a new treatment for him that worked. He turned the corner and began to get better. It was only a matter of days before they discharged us. Joey continued to serve in the legislature during the entire time that JT was in the hospital. My focus was so wrapped up in the baby, that I really didn't have the time or the energy to think about what was going on in Joey's life. I would later learn that this time for him was marked with destructive behavior - drinking binges etc. Most of the time when I expected him to come to the hospital on Friday, he didn't come. There was always an excuse that he didn't feel well and didn't want to expose me or the baby, etc. He later told me he couldn't take watching him and not being able to do anything for him. The day before a NICU baby is discharged, the parents are required to "sleep in" at the hospital with the baby in the room. I was ecstatic and couldn't wait to call Joey in Jackson to tell him. The next day would be Valentine's Day, and I couldn't imagine a better way to spend it than by celebrating that our son was being released from the hospital. The doctors did ask that we stay close, so my mother agreed to let JT and I stay with her while Joey was still in Jackson. Although he sounded very excited at the news, Joey never showed up to bring our son home. I had no car at the hospital since I expected to ride home with him. I had to call my sister and sister-in-law to come and bring us home. Looking back on this time now, I realize that although I was concerned, I never believed we would lose him. I just didn't. I know now that this was God fulfilling one of his promises to us. He promises in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.