Success

Shortly after moving home to Tupelo in the fall of 2005, I was asked to join a women’s leadership class, called “Success Skills”. I wasn’t thrilled because I had been through leadership classes before. I didn’t have time to do a project and my mind was so focused on my own life, I really couldn’t see putting much time and effort into anything else. I did think, however, that it would be good for me to meet some new women in Tupelo. I had been away from Tupelo for many years, and much had changed. The class ended up being one of the best experiences of my life. It really was much like a personal inventory journey, through the skills learned and the exercises we did I realized that more than anything else, I wanted to rely on God to lead my life. A few months ago I was reviewing the workbook from this class. I was stunned when I read one of the pages. We were asked the question. “If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?” Our teacher had encouraged us to really reach on this one. To put something down that we wanted more than anything, even if we didn’t think it was possible. To my surprise, I answered the question very simply. “To have my family restored.” Now this was during one of the darkest phases of my life. Joey was in rehab in Dallas. I was living with my mother and raising an infant and a 2-year-old alone. I didn’t see much way that this was possible, but it is truly what I wanted more than anything. God was working on me even then. He already knew.
I learned many things about myself during the class. One of the things is that my primary motivators are respect, attention, appreciation and approval from my peers. Another is to rise to a challenge. At the end of the class, this broken soul was chosen by the other class members to be the keynote speaker at our “graduation”. Their selection of me as the keynote speaker certainly fit into both of these. While I was extremely humbled by their faith in me, I was also motivated to share some things with the audience that would make them proud of their choice.

The following is an excerpt from my speech that day:
As a true woman of the South, I love three things – my Lord, my family, and college football. I believe we can learn much from all three.

In Isaiah 40:31, The Bible says: “For those who wait on the Lord will mount up with wings as eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint”. I want to share just a minute or two with you about eagles. God says in His Word that if we wait on Him, we will be like eagles. What does that mean? An eagle is strong, bold, and swift. He is a devoted parent and mate. In order to fly, he does not flap his wings. Instead, he waits on a high rock, for just the right thermal current. Then, he spreads his enormous wings and soars! He waits for God’s timing, because then with very little effort or energy on his part, he can soar high above the earth. He can do this most effectively in the midst of a storm. My challenge to you today and always is to Be An Eagle!

College football is an excellent study of teamwork. Few places can you go and find 11 people working together at the same time to achieve a common goal. One of my favorite football coaches is the former Notre Dame legend, Lou Holtz. I heard him give a motivational speech one time and in it he was talking about how goals worth having take time, but with persistence you can achieve anything. One of the quotes he used, and I don’t know if it is originally his or not is “We’re not where we ought to be; We’re not where we want to be; We’re not where we’re going to be; But we’re not where we used to be”. While the women in this room were none too shabby to begin with, none is where she used to be thanks to this class.

Last week, Rubye Del spoke to us of roads. She said that she hoped each of us had gained some clarity about which road we want to be on. She challenged us to stay on that road and most importantly to stay out of the ditches. I had already been told that I would be giving today’s address, and when she said this, one thing immediately popped into my head that I wanted to share with you. I believe we all have much to learn from children and I learn a lot by the books I read to my sons. One of their favorites has also become one of mine. It is entitled “Oh, the Places You’ll Go”, by Dr. Seuss.
Oh! The Places You’ll Go!by the incomparable Dr. Seuss
Congratulations!Today is your day.You’re off to Great Places!You’re off and away!
You have brains in your head.You have feet in your shoes.You can steer yourself any direction you choose.You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.
And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.
Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
You’ll be on your way up!You’ll be seeing great sights!You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.
You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don’t.Because, sometimes, you won’t.
I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.
You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.
You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.
And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.
No! That’s not for you!Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.
I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.
All Alone!Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.
And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.
But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.
You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?Yes! You will, indeed!(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)
Kid, you’ll move mountains!So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!Today is your day!Your mountain is waiting.So…get on your way!

Last week I had the opportunity to attend a fundraiser where Pam Tebow, mother of Heisman Trophy winner and University of Florida standout football player Tim Tebow, spoke. She is a tireless pro-life advocate and truly shares a message of life through her own story. At one point she made reference to the "God prints" we all have on our lives. It made me think of my own two sons. While I am thankful for them every day, for some reason on this night it struck me that but for God's grace and mercy, neither of them would be here today. I have already shared the struggles that my oldest son, JT encountered at birth. The story of my second son, Jimmie, is just as amazing - if not as dramatic. Shortly after we moved to Jackson, MS I discovered I was pregnant with our second child. JT was not even two years old, and this was not planned. I was excited, but also fearful since we had had such a hard time with JT. It was not an opportune time for a pregnancy in our lives, but we were both excited. When we went for our first appointment with the doctor, however, we learned that something was wrong. The doctor told us that this was not a viable pregnancy, and that I would most likely mis-carry the baby over the next day or so. He encouraged me to go home and take it easy for a couple of days and come back to see him. When I did, he confirmed that I had in fact had a miscarriage and that a DNC would be necessary. I was 40 years old, had given birth to a premature baby and had now mis-carried a child. He asked if I would like for him to tie my tubes when he went in to do the DNC. Joey and I talked about it and felt that this was the best thing to do. When I went in the following morning for the procedure, the doctor informed me that my insurance refused to pay for me to have my tubes tied. I worked for a Catholic hospital system at the time, and my insurance was through them. This went against their beliefs, and so they would not agree to pay. I was frustrated, but there was nothing I could do. In sharing about this a few days later with a friend, she reminded me that God had a plan and that she believed God intended for me to have another child. I assured her that this was indeed not God's plan. We laughed about it, but she told me that she was going to pray that I had another child. About a year later, my life was in shambles. Joey had just told me that he was addicted to crack cocaine and our lives in general were just a mess. When I discovered I was pregnant again, I couldn't believe it! I was furious with God. "How in this world could you think this was a good idea?" I asked. I didn't tell anyone for a week or so. I was just certain that there had been some sort of mistake, and that maybe it would just go away - that it was a terrible dream. Finally, I called my doctor and told him that I was pregnant and that I was NOT going to have this baby. I told him that I knew abortion was wrong, but that I didn't care. There was no way I could deal with a two year old baby and a drug addict husband on top of an infant. I will be forever grateful for his very calm and understanding response. He told me to just come in and talk with him. He reminded me that my chances of being pregnant were not very high in the first place, and to just come into the office, let him run a few tests and see where we were. When I arrived at his office, I reminded him again of all that was going on in my life and that I did not need him to talk me out of this decision - that I could not and would not give birth to this child. I knew that my doctor was a Christian so I don't know why I was surprised that he knew exactly what to do. Even though it was still very early in the pregnancy, he did a sonogram. As soon as I saw the little butter bean that would be my son, my heart melted. I began to cry when I even thought that I could have done anything to harm him. I didn't know how I was going to do it, and I still didn't know what God's plan was, but I knew this was my child and that I loved him. I went straight home and called my friend that had been praying that I would have another child. "I hope you're happy", I told her. "Your prayers have been answered!" Our lives got much worse during the course of my pregnancy. Joey went into a residential treatment facility, then came out and relapsed within a month. He was with me when Jimmie was born, but disappeared almost immediately following his birth and was gone for several days. I knew that I was going to raise my boys alone, and although I wasn't sure how - I knew God would get me through it. It is so hard for me to imagine those days now. God is so much greater than anything we can hope or imagine and His plans truly are perfect. My precious Jimmie is four years old now. His dimpled cheeks and bright blue eyes light up our lives every day, and we are so thankful that he is ours!
I thank God every day for my boys - all three of them. I thank Him for the wonder that they are and the miracle that each one is in my life.

More on Love

I Peter 4:8 has continued to stay in my mind, so I have decided to study it more deeply. I Peter is in many ways instructions to the reader on how to live a Godly life. There are many instructions on being Holy, having hope, the relationships between husbands and wifes, etc. In my Bible, the heading for chapter 4 is "Living for God". In chapter 4:7, he says "The end of things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled sot hat you can pray." He follows that with vs 8, then goes on to talk about helping others, offering hospitality and to do everything to God's glory. Verse 8 actually has two parts. The first part says "Above all, love each other deeply". The first two words tell us just how important this is to God. "Above all" would indicate that we are to do this above all things. God shows us this repeatedly in His word. In Colossians 3:12-14 it says "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. In I Corinthians 13 it is said that faith, hope and love remain, but the greatest of these is love.
It is clear in God's word that we are to love each other. I would suppose that there are more references to this than to any other in scripture. I think too often, though, we believe that this means that we are to love those we like, those we come in contact with - our families, church members, friends, etc. However, in I Peter 4:8, it says "love each other deeply". Who is "each other"? Everyone. How are we to love? "deeply". The KJ versions says "fervently" which in the Greek means "without ceasing". It means no matter what. The kind of love that is referred to in this passage is "agape" love which is the kind of love God has for us. This is the kind of love that God had for us when He sent His one and only son to die for us. We are to strive to love everyone with this same type of affection. We could go on and on into a deeper discussion of love, for that is difficult enough. But the rest of this message is "for love covers over a multitude of sins". This means that if you have the kind of love that God commands us to have for one another, that we will "keep no record of wrongs", or "will hardly even notice when others do us wrong." It means that we will forgive, just as God forgive us - this is referenced in the above scripture from Collosians. Romans 5:8 says "God demonstrates His love for us in this. While we were still sinners, He died for us." He knew we were sinners, and sent His own son anyway! My, what a mighty God we serve? Can we have this kind of love one for another? Can we actually forgive in this way? Can a multitude of sins actually be covered over? Only with Love, and only with Love through God.

Love each other deeply

"Above all, love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins" I Peter 4:8
When Joey and I married, we had this is the scripture printed on bookmarks to give out at our wedding. I guess it was somewhat prophetic because I never dreamed how true the scripture would be in our lives. At the beginning of our marriage, I didn't have a very close relationship with God. We went to church and I was certainly a believer, but I had not come to rely on Him as my personal savior. Therefore, when things didn't go my way in our marriage I didn't have the kind of love that could "cover over a multitude of sins". When I later learned that the love I needed most was the love that comes from God, and that if I would love God first with all my heart, mind and spirit - He would place in me a heart that could love whomever and in whatever circumstances.
I have often told people that I know that God was filling my heart with the kind of love I needed to continue to love Joey because it is only through Him that I could have loved him through some of the things that he did. My friends didn't. My family didn't. I have also realized that as hard as it was to endure the things I did, that it was harder for those who loved me to watch me go through them. Some months after Joey and I remarried, I received a call one day from a dear friend. Her husband was also a close friend and was a respected physician in our town. My phone rang while I was at the baseball fields with my son. When I saw that it was my friend, I almost didn't answer it - thinking I would just call her back when the game was over. For some reason, something told me that I needed to answer this call. I know now that the Holy Spirit knew and guided me in this way. As soon as I answered it, I knew that something was wrong. She confided in me that she had just dropped her husband off at drug rehab. I could have fallen over with the push of a feather because I had no idea. He was dealing with an addiction to prescription pain killers and was seeking treatment in a facility that specialized in physicians out of town. I was heartbroken for her. I could hear the pain in her voice. I could hear all the different emotions that I had experienced - hurt, confusion, anger, embarrassment - just to name a few. She also was very concerned for her children, and I knew all too well what that meant. The insecurity of now knowing how the future is going to play out - if you will have to do it alone, etc. I knew then that one of the reasons I had to go through what I did that day was because one day I would be called upon to take this call. I was the only person she knew and trusted that she could share this with and would know how she felt. Over the months that he was away, we talked often. I pray that I was able to offer her some source of comfort and strength during this time.
As I said earlier, I have often commented that I couldn't understand how I continued to love Joey. Don't get me wrong - I hated the things that he did - but I somehow was able to maintain a love for him through it all. It never occurred to me until this morning that the verse I chose when we married was the promise God made to me. "Above all love each other deeply, for love covers over a multitude of sins." He says it right there. If we love with God at the center, He will fill our hearts with a love that truly covers over a multitude of sins.

Love

When I fell in love with my husband, I was certain that God had brought us together. He was nothing like anyone I had ever dated - or wanted to date for that matter. But, from the very start, I felt a very strong feeling like this was the person I was going to marry. I loved him with all my heart, and he was quick to tell me he loved me too. In fact, the very first night we went out. It wasn't really a date, but we met at the movies. When we left, he chased me down I-55 and flagged me down because he didn't know where I lived and didn't have my phone number. I thought anyone who would do something like that, must be pretty special.
It didn't take too long after our wedding for me to realize just how "special" this relationship was going to be. There were days that I couldn't believe I was living the way that I was. In looking back over our hardships, though, the thing that always amazes me is that I continued to love him. Now, this was not the sappy, wimpy, "stand by your man" kind of love - because there were many days I just wanted to knock his block off. This was a deep, abiding kind of love. I can't explain it in my human-ness, because it is only through God that I believe we can love someone we don't even like.
Once again, scripture was used to bring this home to me. It is evident how highly God thinks of love as it is the common thread throughout the entire Bible. One that popped out at me is in I John where the scripture says "Love one another, for love is of God." As best I can tell, "one another" means everyone - not just those we like. The second part of this really hit home - "love is of God". The NIV says "love comes from God". If we are depending on anyone else to make us feel loved, we will always be disappointed! Loves comes from God! How much did God love us? Enough to send His only son to die for us. Did we do something to deserve this love? NO! This hit me like a ton of bricks. All my life, I had looked to things on this earth to make me feel loved - my family, my things, my church, my job, etc. Are these things important? Sure. Are they part of what makes us who we are? Of course. Will they every fulfill our lives the way that God can? NEVER. I realized that I needed to focus on my relationship with God - to realize that He is the source of my love, and to strive to love others as He first loved me. The other passage that added to my basis for love, is the scripture known as the Love Chapter - I Corinthians 13. In this passage, God tells us how important love is, but he also tells us WHAT love is. These are not easy to live by, but God says this is the way we are to love. He says love is: patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, not proud, not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs (one translation says "hardly even notices when others do it wrong"), does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Always protects, always trusts, always hope, always perseveres. Love never fails. Boy! is that a hard set of standards, and remember this isn't just for those we like - it is everyone!!!! Some of those things are particularly hard for me - kind. Now this sounds easy, but did you know you have to be kind to your children? Even when they are not kind to you? More on this later...

More on lamps

I was sharing my recent thoughts on the scripture "Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path" with a friend and co-worker. He pointed out a couple of things that I found particularly interesting. One is that the scripture says a "lamp unto my feet", meaning that God does not always enlighten us too far into the future. His Word gives us what we need for right now - just enough light to take the next step. Perhaps this is because if we can see too far, we begin to feel that we don't need God afterall. The other thing, that sort of goes along with this is that back in Bible times, there were actually very small oil lanterns that somehow fit onto the sandals worn by people then. Isn't that cool???
I am so thankful that I can't see the whole picture, Lord. It reminds me of the country song made popular by Garth Brooks called "The Dance".
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain But I'd of had to miss the dance

Today I was sitting at a co-workers desk, filling in while she went to the doctor. I noticed a small frame with the scripture "Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Although I know those words by heart, they struck me today. The Word of God really is a light and a path when we have lost our way. It is our modern day GPS. I hate to get lost. I always have. As a child, I was always afraid of being lost. As an adult, it just frustrates me because it makes me lose time. I am always so relieved to finally see something familiar and know that I am heading back the right way. Isn't life like that? When we lose our way - when we forget who is really in control it can be frustrating and even fearful. When I lose my way in life today, it is usually because I have taken on too much responsibility and therefore have done nothing well. I've stopped letting God run my life and have tried once again to find my way in the dark - alone. When I seek Him and His perfect guidance, the light He provides never fails me - NEVER! How much easier it would be if I began every day by saying "Lord, let me look always to you and to your word for the light that I need to find my way." In looking back over the darkest points in my life, particularly those toughest times in my marriage, God used any number of ways to bring me back to His Holy Word. It was always those times when I felt most comforted, and felt the most peace. Thank you God for your Word, or our own personal GPS!

During the time that Joey was away, I stumbled upon a tape series of a Biblical based stress management seminar. My sister had sent me the tapes years earlier, and I remembered how good I thought they were at the time. I figured now was as good a time as any to revisit them. The premise of the series is that "The people in life, the places in life and the circumstances in life do not make me the way that I am, but reveal the way that I am". This is not the last time that God would have to show me that I had no control over Joey's actions. I could only control the way in which I responded to them. I could choose to let God take control of my life and in so doing respond in the way that He would have me to respond - with the fruits of the spirit. Or, I could continue to try to handle things on my own and in so doing become eaten up with bitterness, anger, and other destructive emotions. Let me tell you that this all sounded good, but I did not succeed at this approach right away. Even though God had shown me the peace that He could provide, even though He had guided my path and placed angels in my life over the initial days that Joey was gone - with every day that I didn't know where he was, I became more and more angry - more and more frustrated. I prayed "Lord, you know I can handle anything you send my way as long as I know what I'm dealing with." What I learned was that God was trying to tell me that I didn't have to know what I was dealing with in order for Him to take control and in order for Him to give me the peace and comfort that I was craving. I began to claim 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. I began to say "Lord, you promised you would comfort me in all trouble. I'm in trouble here Lord and I need your comfort." The Sunday after Joey left, my mother and I went to church. The subject of the sermon was on the Beatitudes. I don't even remember a lot about the sermon, but the preacher had put the list of Beatitudes from The Message on the screen. I didn't even realize at first that it was the Beatitudes, but I felt like though words were placed there just for me.
YOU'RE BLESSED
You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
You're blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud ownders of everything that can't be bought.
You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetitie for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.
You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being "care-full", you find yourselves cared for.
You're blessed when you get your inside world - your mind and heart- put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.
You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.
Not only that - count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out to speak les about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens - give a cheer, even! for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.
I began then to pray that I would continue to love Joey. I prayed that God would protect him wherever he was. At that point, I didn't pray that God would bring him home.

Continued

Another event God used to teach me the lesson that I have no control over the circumstances in my life came on my third wedding anniversary. We had moved to Jackson in 2005 and were living in a small apartment. We had rented a nice house, and were making plans to move over the weekend of our anniversary. Joey was working at a local car dealership and I was working for a non-profit organization. We were attending First Baptist Church and I had been able to get JT in a childcare center run by a good friend. I thought life was pretty good. On the morning of June 16th, Joey drove me to work because his car was in the repair shop. I saw him during lunch, and then my niece was going to drop me by the dealership after work to pick up my car. When we arrived at the dealership, I was told that they hadn't seen Joey since lunch. I was obviously concerned, and began to make a few calls. I talked to a friend of ours who lived near our house and learned that he had dropped my car off there and told her I would come by to pick it up. She said he left with a guy in a white pick up truck. She assumed it was work related, and didn't ask any questions. When I got home, I discovered, that he had obviously taken enough clothes, etc with him to be gone for a while. I couldn't imagine what was wrong. Joey had done odd things before, but never quite like this. I was broken-hearted, confused, hurt and scared. I didn't feel like I had anywhere to turn. I clung to my 18 month old son, and finally put him down in his bed. I had tried not to cry in front of him, so with him asleep in his bed, I cried. At some point while I was crying, I lay down on the floor of my bedroom. I finally lifted my head and cried out to God. I asked him to take Joey, because I couldn't handle this anymore. A calmness came over me like I had never experienced. I'm not sure I have even experienced exactly the same thing since. I got up, walked into my baby's room and kissed him on his tiny forehead. I went back into my room, lay down on the bed and went to sleep. I don't mean a fitfull sleep. I mean a hard, dreamless sleep. I couldn't believe it when I opened my eyes and it was light outside. I felt rested and ready to face whatever the day had in store. There were many decisions to be made and far too many unknowns as well.
My mother would be arriving soon- she had planned to come to help us move.
I had called my niece the night before and told her everything I knew at that moment. We didn't want to upset my mother before driving to Jackson, so we devised a plan for Mother to go to Cyndi's office first. There Cyndi told her what had happened. My mother is a woman of great strength. When she walked in my apartment, she was ready for action. I was still bewildered by what had happened. This was not typical of the way Joey had disappeared before, so I wasn't sure what to expect. I took JT to his chilcare center, with strict orders that if Joey came to get him, he was not to go with him. We then went to see the gentleman from whom we rented the house. I explained to him what had happened, and that with this uncertainty in my life, I didn't see how I could commit to a lease that was more than double what we were currently paying. I would later see God's hand at every turn that day. The gentleman I had planned to lease the house from didn't have to let me out of my lease. He certainly didn't have to return the money I had given him for a deposit, but he did both. He was a Christian, and told me that he viewed his business as a ministry. He said that if he had anything less expensive that was available, he would just transfer my lease, but he didn't. My current apartment had already been leased to someone else, so I would have to find a new place to live. My mother and I began to search. We looked through the newspaper and went to several apartment complexes in town. We found a few that would do, but nothing that I felt good about. It was getting dark and I was becoming discouraged. I noticed an ad in the newspaper that said very little except for 3BR house in North Jackson. I didn't have much hope that this was something I would be interested in, but I called the number anyway. A man answered the phone and began to tell me where the house was. He told me the location of the house and suggested I drive by. He said if we liked what we saw, he could show it to us the following morning. We drove by, and I couldn't believe my eyes. It was a wonderful little bungalow located in the middle of one of the most affluent neighborhoods in Jackson. When we saw the house the next day, I knew the house was a real find. When I looked into the backyard, there was a large tree with a large low-hanging branch that was perfect for JT's swing. I began to cry and knew that God had provided us with this house. The man explained that he was a retired architect and had built this house for his daughter. She had moved away, but didn't want to get rid of the house. The previous tenants had just moved out, and he wanted to do some work on the house before we moved in. We explained my circumstances, so he allowed us to go ahead and move in the next day.
The next issue we had to face was how was I going to move without any help? I called a good friend who was a realtor and asked if she knew anyone I might hire to help me. She said that her housekeeper's boyfriend was standing right beside her and she would check with him. He agreed to come and to get a friend to help him. The next morning, this big guy with a big grin rang my doorbell. He said he had not been able to find a helper, but that we would get through it. I'm sure she had shared with him what was going on in my life, but he just hugged me and said "We'll just take this slow and easy. With God's help we'll get it done". To this day, I know God gave me the strength to move heavy antique furniture from my two story apartment with this kind man. He was truly just one of the many angels God sent to help me in those few days. The house turned out to be a perfect little spot for us. The children had lots of room to play and we were blessed with kind and loving neighbors that helped us out, and loved us.

We have no control over the people, places, things and circumstances we encounter on this earth. We can only control the manner in which we respond to them. Such is the basis for the Serenity Prayer - "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." My grandfather had an old cross-stitched sampler which hung in his kitchen. It bore a similar sentiment. "For every evil under the sun, there be a remedy or there be none. If there be one, find it. If there be none, never mind it."
I spent a great deal of my life trying to control my life. I couldn't see that the more I controlled, the more chaos was created. It took me forty years to learn to let God bear my burdens for me. I realize now, in looking back, that He had tried to carry them for me, for a long time - but I refused to surrender them to Him. He used one season in my life to begin to teach me this lesson in preparation for a devastating time to come.
My oldest son was born six weeks premature. My pregnancy was considered high-risk because I was 38 years old, but I had a very normal pregnancy until my water broke at 29 weeks. It was December 26th, 2004. Ole Miss was playing in a bowl game, and we had gone over to some friends' house to watch the game. I remember commenting that I was having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions, but didn't think much of it. Later that night I woke and discovered that my water had broken. The hospital was 45 minutes away, so I called in to the doctor on call. Because of the timing, he thought I was having bladder spasms and told me to go back to bed. I'd never had a baby before, so I took his word for it. The "bladder spasms" continued through the weekend, so I called my regular doctor first thing Monday morning. His nurse wasted no time in telling me to come in. She explained that the doctor on call was probably right, but that she felt sure my doctor would want to see me just in case. I drove myself because I felt sure I would be right back home. Boy, was I wrong. The doctor examined me and sent me straight to the hospital. I knew this was not good news. I called my husband, and called my mother, but I don't think I even thought to pray. I had asked Joey to bring me whatever I would need to stay in the hospital. He must have been pretty freaked out and just went into my closet and grabbed whatever was in the front, because he brought my fur coat, one of my business suits, and what very clearly was one of his mother's bras that had somehow gotten mixed up in my laundry. Now, one thing is for sure. Anyone who has ever seen me, and has ever seen Joey's mom would have no trouble distinguishing between the two braziers. He did not, however, bring a night gown, robe, toothbrush, brush, etc. The next few hours were a whirlwind of doctors preparing us for what the circumstances might be if I delivered the baby that day. Suffice it to say, that although they were trying to put the most positive face on the situation, it was clear that this was certainly not the delivery any of us hoped for. I still do not remember praying at this point, but I know that there are many who were. On New Year's Eve it was determined that delivery was not eminent so I was moved out of intensive care, and into a regular room - where I stayed off and on for the next four weeks. Joey left in early January to serve in the Mississippi House of Representatives. Our marriage was strained at best at this point, and more often than not, I didn't even see him on the weekends. Somewhere in the course of these four weeks, I did begin to pray. I think it actually was a result of others contacting me to say they were praying for me. I thought if they were praying, I probably should too. I remember my doctor commenting once that he knew there were lots of people praying for me because he could find no medical explanation for why I had not gone into labor. I remember thinking that this was the first time in my life that I realized prayer was working. JT was born on January 29, 2003. He weighed 4 lbs and 15 ounces, which was preety big in the NICU. They did place him on oxygen, but assured us that this was just a precaution. This was a Tuesday. On Wednesday morning, I encouraged Joey to go ahead and go back to Jackson. I knew he was anxious to pass around pictures of his newborn son, and the doctors had already told us we wouldn't go home until the weekend anyway. Joey left Wednesday morning. That evening, the doctor came in to tell me that JT had crashed and had been placed on a respirator. He assured me that the hospital had everything they needed and that the baby would be fine. Over the next few weeks, JT's lungs continued to deteriorate. They were just not fully developed and were not able to work overtime to keep him breathing. Although I was discharged, I was able to stay at the hospital in a room provided for parents with babies in the NICU. It was during this time, that I became very in touch with my own prayer life. As I would stand by his crib in the NICU, I felt completely powerless. This was certainly one situation over which I had absolutely no control. I had confidence in the doctors and nurses that were treating JT, but I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do for him. This was something I couldn't fix. I would stand by his crib and sing lullabies to him and pray. JT's condition continued to worsen. Ultimately, they tried a new treatment for him that worked. He turned the corner and began to get better. It was only a matter of days before they discharged us. Joey continued to serve in the legislature during the entire time that JT was in the hospital. My focus was so wrapped up in the baby, that I really didn't have the time or the energy to think about what was going on in Joey's life. I would later learn that this time for him was marked with destructive behavior - drinking binges etc. Most of the time when I expected him to come to the hospital on Friday, he didn't come. There was always an excuse that he didn't feel well and didn't want to expose me or the baby, etc. He later told me he couldn't take watching him and not being able to do anything for him. The day before a NICU baby is discharged, the parents are required to "sleep in" at the hospital with the baby in the room. I was ecstatic and couldn't wait to call Joey in Jackson to tell him. The next day would be Valentine's Day, and I couldn't imagine a better way to spend it than by celebrating that our son was being released from the hospital. The doctors did ask that we stay close, so my mother agreed to let JT and I stay with her while Joey was still in Jackson. Although he sounded very excited at the news, Joey never showed up to bring our son home. I had no car at the hospital since I expected to ride home with him. I had to call my sister and sister-in-law to come and bring us home. Looking back on this time now, I realize that although I was concerned, I never believed we would lose him. I just didn't. I know now that this was God fulfilling one of his promises to us. He promises in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.